Breaking News: Monsanto agrees to buy Whole Foods- Organic Food to be “Cancelled”?

EDITOR’s NOTE: It’s now 5:00 Pacific Time on 4/1/2022 and this has run its course!

Happy April Fools day to everyone and have a great weekend.

If you’d like to read what was posted earlier, continue reading below...

St. Louis, MO and Austin, TX–  Monsanto Company (MSFU) and Whole Foods Market (WPCHK), leading providers of agriculture and food solutions, today announced the merger of the two companies creating a global food, pest control, and technology leader. The merger is effective today, and the companies will combine business operations in the coming year.

Bayer AG, the owner of Monsanto, has completed its previously announced acquisition of all outstanding Whole Foods common stock for $42.00 per share in a transaction valued at approximately $10.65 billion.

The combined company will be privately held and operate under the new Feed ’em All brand. Reggie Dickenweed has been named the CEO of the new combined company. The headquarters for the combined company will be in a soon-to-be-disclosed location. The new company is researching locations that provide the cheapest labor and fewest environmental regulations.

The entire staff of Whole Foods will eventually be let go through the transition to a single company. Dickerweed is on record as saying…

“We may keep a few of them. But only the ones without tattoos and long hair. The hippies working there now are why the place in such a shambles.”

Why now?

In 2017, Amazon acquired Whole Foods Market. The purchase led to an influx of investment in the grocery-delivery space as competitors strived to match the service, per Slate. However, as mainstream grocery giants such as Kroger used their buying power to compete with Whole Foods’ niche, the latter chain lagged, according to GlobalData Managing Director Neil Saunders (via MarketWatch).

Even though the pandemic gave Whole Foods home delivery a boost, the physical retail shops have been an Achilles heel, with first-quarter sales at brick-and-mortar stores falling by 16% in 2021 versus the prior year.

“Round Up is safe. Period. End of discussion. The damn tree huggers are just gonna have to deal with it.”

Reggie Dickenweed, CEO of Feed ’em All

Another problem facing Whole Foods is the chain’s lack of an independent online presence. Unlike its competitors, Whole Foods customers must have Amazon Prime to use its online ordering and pickup/delivery service. Although more than 142 million people in the U.S. have Prime subscriptions (per 99 Firms), those who don’t use Amazon Prime are left out in the cold if they want to shop online from the grocer.

The Future of Organic Food in Question? NO!

If you have not figured it out by now, this is not real.

April Fools!


But while you’re here please take look at some of our REAL articles. Many of the contributors to our site believe that Bayer/Monsanto is incredibly harmful to the environment:

If you’d like to educate yourself, you can access hundreds more articles here:

Learn more about RoundUp and Monsanto

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